Ubiquitous Tears
by N. Reynolds
Summary: [Story Completed] My First Fanfic. This story centers on Kasumi. Angst might be too strong a classification. Melancholy or sadness would be better


Self-confidence, Self-worth. Many people try to maintain a delicate balance between too much, and too little. At one extreme, madness lies. For example, Tatewaki Kuno; unbeatable barring trickery, infinitely noble, and recipient of the love of two goddesses; no setback, no proof, no doubt can sway his self image. His ego is unassailable.  
  
Ubiquitous Tears  
  
[As Kasumi gets into the hot tub and relaxes, her mind starts to drift ...]  
  
Today was a long day, and I'm feeling melancholy. I hate nights like these. I don't have the energy to read a book or something, so I'm going to be alone with my thoughts tonight.  
  
I hate nights like these. Why do I have to mull over all the things I can't change? Why can't I be satisfied with the way I am? People like me. I'm a good person. So why do I feel so empty sometimes?  
  
I think I've lately been looking for more housework, just to keep busy, to keep from mulling over the same ideas over, and over again. As long as I'm busy, I don't have to think about what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with me.  
  
I think one of the hardest parts is watching Akane and her friends constantly fighting about who loves who, none of them realizing how precious love is. Akane ignores Ranma, Ranma ignores Akane and Ukyou, Ukyou ignores Konatsu, Shampoo ignores Mousse. All of them ignore the love another feels for them. If they ever find out what it means to live without someone's love, they'll regret every minute they didn't spend reciprocating that love.  
  
I don't mind being an unmarried virgin at 19. But I DO mind not even having had a date. When I was in high school, I had lots of friends, but I never had time for clubs or activities after school because I had to take care of our home. And now that Akane and Nabiki are old enough, my friends are gone. I graduated highschool two years ago, and my life has barely changed at all over the last two years. Sarenko and Michi are at universities, Junko is an office lady, and Himeko has had a baby. They all have lives, except me.  
  
I have lots of acquaintances now. Everyone at the market knows me. I think everyone thinks I'm a good person. I want to be helpful, loving, and loved. But no one seems to want to become good friends or ask me out. I know I'm not beautiful, but surely I'm not ugly. I've seen women who treat their men worse than I ever could, but there's no one for me.  
  
When I was young, I thought that if you were a good person, people would automatically want to be with you. I've always wanted to be liked. I've always tried to be the kind of person everyone likes. I thought I should be open and honest, and people would appreciate me for who I am.  
  
I thought that the little deceptions and mannerisms used to catch men were to hide your own flaws. I never learned how to disguise myself with makeup. Or how to talk around subjects to keep him guessing what I was thinking. I don't know how to appear mysterious or attractive or seductive. I didn't want to trick someone into a relationship, I wanted someone who likes me for myself. No one told me these tricks were necessary just to meet people and have them think of you as more than a friend or an acquaintance.  
  
It's so hard to spend time with people once you leave school. In school you're forced to spend lots of time with a variety of people. And there's always excuses to spend time with people. But once you leave school, there isn't much you can do.  
  
I suppose I could go to bars and try to pick someone up, but I don't want that. I don't like bars, and I want someone who appreciates me for who I am, not someone who's only interested in me for the night.  
  
I keep telling myself that eventually someone will appreciate me, as long as I keep making myself a better person, but it gets so hard when so many years have gone by, and I'm still alone.  
  
Some nights I've contemplated ending my life. Most of my life seems to be a grey haze punctuated by black moments of despair. At least I'd finally be at peace, free of all the pain. But I can't do that to my family. If I ever do kill myself, I'll make it look like an accidental death. But I haven't yet because of the pain it would cause my family and friends. And I still have faith my life will get better.  
  
Some nights, I don't even have that faith. I feel I've been a fool thinking things might get better. I'm just going to grow older, even less able to change my life. Surviving on the small joys of being an aunt in a large family, without a family of my own.  
  
Life is a vale of tears. And I try so hard to be supportive of others, to see the good in others. Why doesn't anyone see anything in me? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but I've spent my life learning not to intrude on others, not to demand from others, but to be supportive and helpful. Complaining and shouting goes against everything I feel is good about me.  
  
I'd better get out of this tub, and try to fall asleep. I wont be cheerful again tonight, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.  
  
The End  
Authors Notes:  
  
1) If anyone here thinks I'm ignoring Dr. Tofu, you're wrong. I just don't believe she realizes he's obsessed with her. If anyone thinks this is out of character for Kasumi, I hope for her sake you are right. I don't see any evidence in the manga or the anime to suggest this is out of character for her.  
  
2) Ubiquitous tears -- No one sees them there, because the pain is intrinsic to the person. People notice when you become sad, few notice that you are sad, and that you carry sadness within you. "All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"  
  
3) There are people deserving of your love out there, who would gladly reciprocate if anyone offered.  
  
4) If you have nights like these, there's always hope that your equivalent of Dr. Tofu will show up.  
  
5) Yes, some of this is personal experience. My friends keep me going. But some nights are hell. 


End file.
